By Ernest Wamboye
We were made for relationships. God’s design for the propagation of the human race was through marriage relationships. If you are born-again, you must realize that a man-woman relationship is by far one of the most vivid illustrations of the gospel. Ephesians 5:25 parallels the love Christ has for the church with one that a husband ought to have for his wife. If you are unmarried and wondering what to look for in a relationship, these are five pillars that if well cultivated will result in a healthy union between the two of you that will not only bring joy to you two, but will also minister to the lost. The terms dating and courting have been used interchangeably throughout the century such that the meanings seem uncertain when you mention them in public. However, for our context, the man-woman relationships we refer to are exclusive (meaning that the persons in them are faithful and committed to relating to each other as a couple to each other alone). So whether you call that courting or dating, we are clear that it is heading to marriage in the near future. Here are five pillars necessary for a successful godly relationship. We must note however that it is more important to cultivate these qualities in yourself before looking for them in someone else. Instead of looking for “the one”, be the one.
1. GODLINESS.
The Word of God is clear in 2 Corinthians 6:14 not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. However, it’s not enough to go to church and call yourself a Christian. If you want your relationship to stand the test of this world, you must walk with someone who has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. One who demonstrates the fruit of the Spirit and not just the gifts. As you date, you must grow our spiritmen by spending time in the word of God as follows:
a) Hear the Word (See Romans 10:7. From other mature men and women of God e.g. podcasts, recorded sermons.)
b) Read the Word (See Revelation 1:3. get a personal encounter of God speaking by reading what the Bible says.)
c) Study the Word (See Acts 17:11. Researching what you read and verifying its veracity and appropriate use in your lives.)
d) Memorise the Word (See Psalm 119:9-11. Committing to memory what you study so that you have a ready word to share to anyone in need and a stocked arsenal against temptation and false doctrine. You can start by memorizing three verses. You can even do a whole book.)
e) Meditate on the Word (See Joshua 1:8. Musing about the words of scripture that you have memorized and allowing the Holy Spirit to use them to search your lives. This you do separately. You then share with each other what you have meditated on.)
f) Practising the Word. (See John 13:17. Doing what you learn. God wants us not only to appear changed on the outside but to actually change on the inside. If you do not practise what you imbibe, you are deceiving yourself, Beloved.)
2. ATTRACTION.
Are you drawn to this person? If you are married, you may say that there was that one time when you held hands and the sparks exploded. But I’m talking about more than that. I’m talking about character attraction. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against physical attraction. It is good to be attracted physically to the person, however it is not a good foundation for a relationship because eventually you grow old and it doesn't last. If physical attraction would sustain a relationship, Hollywood marriages would be our example to follow. It is important to note that attraction does not just happen; attraction grows. You cultivate it as you spend time with that person. The best way to know the true qualities of a person is by spending time with them. I encourage singles to hang out in groups and study the person. Exclusive hang outs could lead to emotional entanglements that could cloud your judgement.
3. FRIENDSHIP.
Are you friends? Friendship is the fuel of a man-woman relationships. When you are friends, forgiveness is easy. When you are not, sin has a field day. Friendships grow through:
a. Conversations. The power of one-on-one talks cannot be underestimated. Through conversations, you get to familiarize yourself with this person. Dating and marrying your friend will be the greatest decisions you make as far as relationships are concerned. When singles fear boredom in a relationship, the answer is friendship. When someone is truly your friend, your hardly notice when time passes by.
b. Celebration. Celebrate your partner. On birthdays and special milestones, acknowledge their progress. Make it special for them. Spending money on people to celebrate them helps show that you value them. People may forget what you say to them but they never forget how you make them feel.
c. Time. Time is by far the most valuable resource on earth for it cannot be redeemed. You only have one life. When you spend healthy time with your partner, you are making a statement. You are saying that the priceless value of time is reserved for them. That cements your friendship.
4. COMMITMENT.
We have a vast generation of young people who make many relationship mistakes because they define love as a feeling. Love is a commitment first and a feeling later. When love is a commitment first, the meaning of “For better or for worse” in marriage makes sense because feelings come and go. And believe me the times of “not feeling” in relationships always come! If you thought relationships always have that giddy feel when a teen likes another, you’re either in for a shocker or in for a crushing disappointment- either way you’re wrong. That is why marriage, of all relationships, is upheld by several cultures and religions despite their theological differences. Marriage was a gift to humanity not to a particular religion. When you stand in front of people and say "I will" and “I do” you are making a commitment that you are obliged to live up to. That’s what makes you married far beyond exchanging goats or walking down a church aisle- the public commitment to the family of your new spouse that you will commit to them till death do you part. However, know this, when you marry, date or court someone you will (guaranteed, for-sure, I-kid-you-not) eventually fall out of feelings. It would be awfully foolish if after you lose the feelings you try to rekindle them with “another” guy or girl who you think is “the one”. That is how infidelity works- looking for feelings because yours ran out. It is immature and it is vain by all standards. When you have no commitment and witnesses, it is easy to avoid all the problems that present themselves by walking away. That’s why even though science proves that co-habitation is one of the unhealthiest relationship institutions on earth, people still insist against the facts and the truth. They do not what to lose their “independence” yet they do not see that the only way to experience satisfying love is to surrender your independence and vulnerability despite your feelings- commit! That is also why many young Christian people who do not want to get married are simply held back because they have placed feelings as the foundation of their relationship fantasies. They may not know this overtly but they are seeking thrill that does not bind them because the thrill does not promise to last. To make it sound profound, they will say, "I choose love, not marriage." That is equivalent to saying "I choose to swim, but not to get wet." Nobody wants to get wet because they think getting wet must not be love. Love is swimming across that pool with your partner. Many who drown gave up because the feelings died. You must choose to fulfil your commitment, Beloved, because marriage's purpose from our God was more to make you sanctified more than to make you “feel in love.” What do I mean? The process of committing even when the good feelings are absent is a sanctifying process. That’s how you get pruned in a godly relationship! That’s is how you bear the fruit of patience, gentleness, kindness, etc. Those characteristics are demanded from you not because you feel but because you committed! It’s an incredibly beautiful sanctifying process of the soul and it is more important that you seeking Disney feelings of sunset with birds chirping in the trees.
5. PURITY.
In 1 Thessalonians 4:3 the Bible: “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honourable.” Sexual activity is for the marriage bed (Hebrews 13;4). Our generation like sto push the lines but God is clear. Tetrodotoxin is a poison that if consumed, paralysis and death can strike within six hours. If a tot of tetrodotoxin poison was placed in your cup of juice, would you drink it? Of course not! If the tot was reduced to a tablespoon of the same strong poison would you still take it? I bet not. If it was reduced to a teaspoon, now would you take it? No. Why? Because it’s poison! It’s noxious! Only a crazy person would do that! Whether it’s a teaspoon or a cupful, only a fool would drink the spiked juice. Sin is a poison way deadlier than tetrodotoxin beloved. Yet, look at how we treat sexuality. A kiss on the cheek is a teaspoon and penetration sex is a cupful. I put it to you that both are poison and both will kill you. Wait until marriage, Beloved. The Lord will return for a pure bride.
